Our Constitutional Right
Ah, the right to vote. People have literally sacrificed their lives to protect this critical foundation of democracy. I, being a true American who wants to exercise my constitutional right, carefully examine all of the candidates running for office. I read their literature and research their positions before I decide whom to support. So, imagine my shock and horror when I see those TV ads and find out the real truth about these people running for office. Apparently, they are all lowlife scumbags, thieves, child molesters and murderers. Wow, was I surprised to find out the real truth about them. Good thing I learned all this before I voted.
Here are some examples of what I’ve discovered:
- The incumbent Congressman has raised the tax rates of every citizen by over 300 percent. And that was just last Thursday.
- His challenger has promised to make sure to limit all future federal government spending to 2 percent of the entire budget of Secaucus, NJ.
- There is a Green Party candidate who actually robbed every single bank in Secaucus, NJ.
- The current local judge has literally emptied all of the prisons and sent them to work in sweatshops in China. (At least they’re not in Secaucus, NJ.)
- The judge opposing her not only doesn’t live in the proper district, but is apparently from Mars (and not the candy place either).
- Our County Councilman is on the take, accepting huge amounts of special interest money from left-handed lesbians. Evidently, he can be bought. So sad.
- The other candidate on the ballot used to hunt Green Party members for sport (but he only used his bow and arrow).
- The mayor of our fine city has an insatiable appetite for buffalo skins and is single handedly responsible for their near extinction.
- Fortunately, he’s running unopposed, but there is an effort to recall him—and the buffalos.
- There is a bitter and very nasty battle for sheriff. The seat is vacant, and one has grown a third eye (it’s an evil eye), and the other becomes a werewolf at night and runs around scaring all of the zombies, who are also running around. I think it’s some kind of track meet.
I know all of this to be absolutely true because I saw it on TV. Fortunately, it is really causing me to rethink my original choices. Is this country great or what?