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Sure Dad Says

Doodiehead Disease

OK, so we’re all cooped up, practicing safe socialization skills and dealing with insufferable cabin fever. We grownups understand the situation, but the little ones are very confused. Thanks to your friends at Sure Dad, a learning tool has been developed for the youngsters who are endlessly home from school. To keep their minds sharp and fresh, and not go to mush, we’ve developed a short primer to use when teaching the kiddies about COVID-19. For your reading (and sharing) pleasure:

“Once upon a time, a very bad man (of course it was a man; there is no such thing as a bad lady) wanted to do something really mean to everyone in the whole, wide world. You see, Dudley Doodiehead was raised by wolves, without a loving mommy and daddy. He was always angry and very jealous of all the other happy children he saw. He thought and thought about how to carry out a mean and dastardly deed to punish all the happy people.

Dudley decided to create a very horrible disease that would make lots of people really sick. He succeeded, unfortunately, and his invention is called the Doodiehead Disease. Of course, that’s contrary to the one big asshole who’s calling it the Chinese Virus. (Spank Mommy or Daddy for saying a bad word.) 

In these very difficult times, we have to be especially careful to keep our hands to ourselves and put off playdates until the world gets better. But there are some good things that can result from these actions. Sloppy, wet and messy kisses from Aunt Gladys must be avoided at all costs now; that’s OK, because she smells. And no more picking your nose—or even your friend’s nose. Oh, and you have to wash your hands a lot. For real. Every time.

Fortunately, despite the lack of help from that asshole I referenced before (more spanking), our other leaders are doing their job, helping to keep us safe until this danger goes away. The Good Ship Lollipop came to New York City to help our friends up there, and its sister ship, the USS Gumdrop, went California to do the same. And no, it wasn’t that asshole’s idea to do that, although he took the credit (another spank).

And speaking of that asshole (you’re going to have to wash some mouths out with soap) and his band of incompetent morons, they have completely mishandled this tragedy, and countless thousands have died due to their incompetence.

Hopefully, some day soon, this international nightmare will end, and our great country will regain its prowess and become the superpower leader of the free world once again. (Those were a lot of big words that Mommy or Daddy can explain.) We can never give up hope.”

Stay safe, and be well.

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